Category Archives: Turtle Friday

Turtle Monster Friday: In Which BLASTGUN Decides Frankenweenie Just Wasn’t That Good

7-18 Turtle Monster
This is as close as BLASTGUN will likely ever come to a movie review because BLASTGUN leaves stuff like that to people who know what the H they’re talking about.  For instance, BLASTGUN’S debut author T. A. Wardrope, who is a veritable human encyclopedia as to what movies are worth watching.  Read his reviews, his thoughts on criticism, then look forward to ARCADIAN GATES.

A year ago, I think I watched FRANKENWEENIE.  It’s a kids movie from Tim Burton.  I must not have finished it.  This doesn’t mean it wasn’t good, but it does mean I likely multi-tasked my way through it and was unable to fully engage with any of the four screens I had with me at the time.  Brilliant.

Anyway, apparently there was a turtle monster in this movie.  Had I known that, I probably would’ve put down two of the four screens I was surrounding myself with.

Hear that Hollywood?  You gotta make three-screened movies.  Eesh, so behind the times.

I’m a child of the future.

See you neanderthals never.

7-18 Turtle Monster 2Actually, had Burton made this DAY OF THE TURTLE movie, which was a promo poster for FRANKENWEENIE, it would’ve been great–or I would’ve thought it was great because it’s clearly just a better monster.

Just look at it.

Plus, it would’ve been a great throwback.  Though the latest CGI monster movies are pretty spectacular and getting better, my guess is there are other nostalgia dorks like me who pine for a return to stop-action, clay-mation flicks to reinvigorate that old-timey glee that really made movies feel intimate.

Of course, this is just all hipster fallout, all of us pining for a history we never lived.  This is why vinyl is popular.  This is why people are putting flowers in their lumberjack beards, and dudes roll around looking like Paul Bunyan, and the friggin’ mandolin is a legit instrument for a rock band, and all this points to why books won’t die, you timid and fearful writers, you.  Of course, you might just not make any money creating your books.  That’s something to legitimately fear.

Point is: We’ve erased our history by surrounding ourselves with the imaginary versions of our past, which tend to be created by our artistic heroes.  All the while, we pretend to be wizened sages coming down from the mountains without having earned any of it with a swing of an actual goddamn axe.

KerTHUNK.

Turtle Monster Friday: The Invasion

5-20 The Invasion

The Invasion

The pachyderms fell in herds, as one, creating storms of the sands that spread across the land, and once settled, their carcasses lay baked, rotten, then preserved in the heat of an unforgiving sun.

As they blackened and were consumed in that slow flame that was the dry winds, their flesh fell like ash, their bodies dotting the landscape the way shrubbery had long before.

Their kind gone, but their bodies left, the herds themselves became like macabre villages for the smaller, livelier creatures that lived off decayed and stringy meat–young pale maggots and black flies that increased in size by the passing decades.

Then these, too, fell to the salted sands and were thence caged by the sun-bleached bones of the once mighty herds of pachyderms.

Turtle Monster Friday: In Which BLASTGUN Wonders Who The Monster Truly Is?

 

BLASTGUN’s R&D Department discovered this in the darkest corner of the Internet.  The research team discarded the files about Area 51 and who really killed JFK because who really cares when they found a British Hero in Mrs. Potter.

Potter created an “Imitation Clear Green Turtle Soup,” which, by rough estimates, saved well over a gajillion turtles from a heinous fate.  Thank you, Mrs. Potter.  Now if you could only make a soup that restores natural habitat, that’ll be something.

HEINZ
Ready-to-Serve
BOG RESTORATION ELIXIR
57 Varieties
Made by Common Sense

Turtle Friday: It Came From The Bog And It Was … Not That Big, To Be Honest

5-23 Bog Turtle

This little guy is slipping away in Pennsylvania.  It’s North America’s smallest turtle, and we’re losing it to what we lose all cool turtle monsters to … parking lots, or something.  Or decorative ponds.  Something stupid.  Turtles need vegetation and water–gross-looking, but nutrient-rich swamp water with a diverse range of foliage within and around it, so the health of the wetland is maintained.

This shits important.

But, whatever.

AmIright!

BOOYEAH, wildlife.  We ‘Mercuh. We need a place to park the truck.