Category Archives: Book Proposal

50 Chapters That Will Make You Think Differently About Murder

 

L0040408 Leaflet selling the "Burdizzo", a castration machine
This is probably going to be the title.

Just finished up my fourth novel and she’s a big one, weighing in at 100K words.  It’s another absurdist crime work that was based on a post that originally appeared here at Blastgun called “24 Chapters A Publisher Should Make An Offer On Right Now.” That post was a cheeky little play on Buzzfeed articles. The idea was to write a novella about some kind of hitman who, through some turn of events, ends up in a Buzzfeed-like job writing snappy 800 word articles about his life of crime and ultra-violence.

The book ended up being a lot longer than those original 24 chapters and the Buzzfeed thing is gone, but some of the spirit remains.  The chapters are still short.  It involves a hitman.  There is violence and humor and political incorrectness.  I’ve never had more fun writing a book.  Hope that bodes well in the publisher/agent grind.

Below are the titles of these chapters.  They are the only thing you need to read.  You can forget about all the other words.  I only tried on these.  The chapter titles.  The rest is filler.

PART I: CITY OF BUMFUCK
1: Three Or More People Who Want Me Dead
2: Guess Which Midwestern Hellhole I’m Stuck In So My Machete-Loving Friends Won’t Find Me
3: Here’s What It’s Like To No Longer Be The Only Hitman In Bumfuck, Nowhere
4: Five Recent Murders That Will Make You Want To Kill Your Best Friend
5: I Tried To Go Straight For A Few Minutes And Here’s What Happened
6: The Whore Who Doesn’t Charge Also Doesn’t Leave Or Clean
7: Someone Did A Shitty Job Hiding Four Bodies, And It Wouldn’t Be Such A Big Deal If Not For The Missing Fifth
8: Somebody Stuffed A Body In A Suitcase And It Was Beautiful
9: The Thing About The Man In The Suitcase Is That He Stirred Up Unfortunate Memories
10: It’s Surprisingly Easy To Find Yourself In The Middle Of A Gang War
11: I Was Pretty Okay With The Misogynist and Racist Nature of Modern Crime Culture Until We Tortured The Mexican Kid
12: I Would’ve Killed The Kid If He Wasn’t Already So Close To Dead
13: Minor Terrorism Isn’t What It Used To Be
14: Never Ignore The Gentle And Beautiful Balance Between Polyamory And True Love
15: Sometimes Unadorned Bravery Looks A Lot Like Terrible Cowardice, But A True Hero Accepts This And His Lifelong Bad Reputation With Dignity And Aplomb

PART II: RIVER OF SHIT

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A writer having trouble lifting 3 pounds

16: The Time We Saw A Space Colony, An Emerald City, And Maybe Chunks of Black Jim’s Gray Matter
17: I May Have Killed Hundreds In Cold-Blood, But I Would Never Commit The Evils of Children, Part I
18: It’s Not Quite A Suicide Pact If You’re The Only One Hoping It Ends In Death
19: Skull-Fucking, A Meditation
20: You’re More Likely To Die With Your Cock Out While Taking A Beer Piss Than From A Terrorist Attack
21: My White Hat Is Not Nearly As White As I Recall
22: The Most Comprehensible Thing I Saw At Patsy’s Birthday Party Was A Ferret Giving A Politician A Rough Handjob
23: It Should Be Far Easier To Use Voodoo Magic To Predict The Death Of A Man Who Is Basically Already Dead
24: No Sober-Minded Man Wants Aerosolized Fecal Matter In His Dick Hole
25: Leadership Requires A Nice Pair Of Loafers
26: A Shitbird Eats A Tree Rat
27: When You’re Down And Out, Always Bet On Men Leaking Brain To Provide You With Joy And Creature Comforts
28: Jackie Had Qualms About Butchering Four In A House Of Worship
29: The Ancient Arts of Voodoo, Juju, Mojo, And Lead Propulsed By Explosive Gas
30: Upon My Death, Twenty-Seven Virgins Awaited Me Beyond The Gate, Hooked Knives In Hand, Flayed Thoughts In Mind
31: Comrade, Foe, Water-Headed Buffoon: The Blitzkrieg Funeral Of Black Jim
32: What About The Powerful Lady In Black And Unrequited, Cross-Cultural Love Shooting Like Laser Rainbows From Her (Possibly) Impossibly Green Eyes?

PART III: FROM SHIT-TOWN TO CHI-TOWN
33: Sometimes A Life Altering Journey Through Dark Wood And Shit-Colored Mud Could’ve Been An Easy Jaunt Down A Deserted Highway
34: Once Upon A Time, Trains Ended In Boxcars
35: When Did Diners Become Third-Rate Hoagie Chains At A Truck Stop?
36: He Goes By Many Names, Yet They All Have One Thing In Common: Pig-Fucking
37: The Life And Times Of A Dysplastic Nevus
38: The Flying Monkeys’ Redglare, Heads Bursting In Air, Gave Proof Through The Night That Our Flag Was Still There
39: Never Execute An Already Dead Man Even If It Will Alleviate Some Of Your More Compulsive Tendencies
40: Caught With Our Ding-Dongs Out Like A Couple Of Hostess Fruitcakes
41: The Not-So Unexpected Death Of Jackie, The Traitorous Fuck
42: You Did Not Miss The War, The War Missed You
43: Everybody Blames The Scorpion, Yet Nobody Asks Where The Frog Learned To Speak Scorpion In The First Place
44: The Mighty Beaks Of The Turkey-Cock Brigade
45: Genocidal Maniacs In Hiding Have The Warmest Of Welcomes
46: A Powwow Of Foreign Natives On the Myths Of Geometry
47: I May Have Killed Hundreds In Cold-Blood, But I Would Never Commit The Evils Of Children, Part II
48: It Would Have Been Better If The Terrorists Packed Their Vans Full Of Explosives And Blew Us All To Hell
49: Patsy’s Revenge
50: The Burdizzo Way

If you’re an agent, publisher, producer, or a regular schlub and interested in reading the filler, contact me directly at mrrapacz [at] hotmail [dot] com.

 

24 Chapters A Publisher Should Make An Offer On Right Now

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BUZZKILL is a neo-noir novel that uses humor, schtick, and gratuitous violence to portray the daily life of a hitman who goes by Jersey Jones, or J.J. for short.   The humor is dark, unforgiving and self-depricating, much like J.J. himself, who finds himself in a low-level communications job at a small tech firm as part of the Witness Protection Program because he rolled over on his family’s import/export business and they want him dead.

BUZZKILLS’s schtick is the way the novel is structured.  J.J. writes what amounts to his memoir in the form of web-copy popularized in today’s “New Media.”  The gratuitous violence is, well, why people might actually read and enjoy this book.

All 24 chapter/episodes’ catchy headlines have already been written and serve as a handy outline.

  1. 3 People Who Want Me Dead
  2. Which Midwestern City Should I Move To So My Machete-Loving Brother Won’t Find Me?
  3. What It’s Like To Be The Only Hitman At The Office
  4. 5 Stories Of Murder That Will Make You Want To Kill Your Best Friend
  5. I Tried To Go Straight For A Day And Here’s What Happened
  6. The Definitive Ranking Of The Most Influential Executioners
  7. 16 Perfect Alibis For Any Criminal On The Run
  8. Someone Stuffed Jackie C. In A Suitcase And It Was Beautiful
  9. Which Historical Period Would Best Appreciate My Primal Tendencies?
  10. New Jersey Man Accused Of Harassing Police And Hanging Dead Squirrel From Patrol Car Antenna
  11. 12 Harmless Activities That Prove Your Mother Is Trying To Kill You
  12. New Jersey Man Teaches Area Teenager How To Dispose Of A Body
  13. This Incredible Drawing Shows The Many Limbs Victim Lost
  14. Stop Your Capo From Giving You The Silent Treatment
  15. A Couple Of Thoughts Every Hitman Has Before Pulling The Trigger
  16. Running From The Mob And The Cops Is More Intense Than You Realize
  17. 8 Facts You Might Not Know About The Body Floating In The East River
  18. The Only Reason Jackie C.’s Gazpacho Was So Good
  19. Why People Lose Their Minds When They Have A Gun To Their Heads
  20. How One Sack Of S**t Jamook Got The Drop On Me And Lived To Tell About It
  21. 4 Things That Are Guaranteed To Happen When A Bullet Is In Your Guts
  22. In Regard To The Magnificent Ears In Patsy Kapala’s Mason Jar
  23. 8 Feelings You Know Too Well If You Live On Rikers Island
  24. Being Dead Is The Most Underrated Human Condition In History
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BuzzKill’s logo® is already designed! You are welcome, Interested Parties.

If you’re an agent, publisher, or producer and interested in this project (why wouldn’t you be?), contact me directly at mrrapacz [at] hotmail [dot] com.  If a six figure deal isn’t in your budget, I will also entertain plain curiosity, options for the film rights, or a single-camera, two-season, 24-episodic comedic adaptation.

About the proposer:

Mark Rapacz is the founding editor of Blastgun Books and an editor and partner with the neo-pulp press Burnt Bridge. His short stories have appeared in a number of publications, including Water~Stone Review, Revolver, Martian Lit, The Booked. Anthology, The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2012, and many others. His novella, BUFFALO BILL IN THE GALLERY OF THE MACHINES, was recently re-issued as a historically accurate dime novel and is available through IndyPlanet and Amazon.  His most recent novel CITY KAIJU is kinda/sorta out and on Amazon.  His neo-noir novel WAEGUK is currently making the rounds with agents and publishers, as is his collection of short stories, THE GREAT HUSH.  He and his wife currently live in the Bay Area, where he continues to write stories.