50 Chapters That Will Make You Think Differently About Murder


L0040408 Leaflet selling the "Burdizzo", a castration machine
This is probably going to be the title.

Just finished up my fourth novel and she’s a big one, weighing in at 100K words.  It’s another absurdist crime work that was based on a post that originally appeared here at Blastgun called “24 Chapters A Publisher Should Make An Offer On Right Now.” That post was a cheeky little play on Buzzfeed articles. The idea was to write a novella about some kind of hitman who, through some turn of events, ends up in a Buzzfeed-like job writing snappy 800 word articles about his life of crime and ultra-violence.

The book ended up being a lot longer than those original 24 chapters and the Buzzfeed thing is gone, but some of the spirit remains.  The chapters are still short.  It involves a hitman.  There is violence and humor and political incorrectness.  I’ve never had more fun writing a book.  Hope that bodes well in the publisher/agent grind.

Below are the titles of these chapters.  They are the only thing you need to read.  You can forget about all the other words.  I only tried on these.  The chapter titles.  The rest is filler.

1: Three Or More People Who Want Me Dead
2: Guess Which Midwestern Hellhole I’m Stuck In So My Machete-Loving Friends Won’t Find Me
3: Here’s What It’s Like To No Longer Be The Only Hitman In Bumfuck, Nowhere
4: Five Recent Murders That Will Make You Want To Kill Your Best Friend
5: I Tried To Go Straight For A Few Minutes And Here’s What Happened
6: The Whore Who Doesn’t Charge Also Doesn’t Leave Or Clean
7: Someone Did A Shitty Job Hiding Four Bodies, And It Wouldn’t Be Such A Big Deal If Not For The Missing Fifth
8: Somebody Stuffed A Body In A Suitcase And It Was Beautiful
9: The Thing About The Man In The Suitcase Is That He Stirred Up Unfortunate Memories
10: It’s Surprisingly Easy To Find Yourself In The Middle Of A Gang War
11: I Was Pretty Okay With The Misogynist and Racist Nature of Modern Crime Culture Until We Tortured The Mexican Kid
12: I Would’ve Killed The Kid If He Wasn’t Already So Close To Dead
13: Minor Terrorism Isn’t What It Used To Be
14: Never Ignore The Gentle And Beautiful Balance Between Polyamory And True Love
15: Sometimes Unadorned Bravery Looks A Lot Like Terrible Cowardice, But A True Hero Accepts This And His Lifelong Bad Reputation With Dignity And Aplomb


A writer having trouble lifting 3 pounds

16: The Time We Saw A Space Colony, An Emerald City, And Maybe Chunks of Black Jim’s Gray Matter
17: I May Have Killed Hundreds In Cold-Blood, But I Would Never Commit The Evils of Children, Part I
18: It’s Not Quite A Suicide Pact If You’re The Only One Hoping It Ends In Death
19: Skull-Fucking, A Meditation
20: You’re More Likely To Die With Your Cock Out While Taking A Beer Piss Than From A Terrorist Attack
21: My White Hat Is Not Nearly As White As I Recall
22: The Most Comprehensible Thing I Saw At Patsy’s Birthday Party Was A Ferret Giving A Politician A Rough Handjob
23: It Should Be Far Easier To Use Voodoo Magic To Predict The Death Of A Man Who Is Basically Already Dead
24: No Sober-Minded Man Wants Aerosolized Fecal Matter In His Dick Hole
25: Leadership Requires A Nice Pair Of Loafers
26: A Shitbird Eats A Tree Rat
27: When You’re Down And Out, Always Bet On Men Leaking Brain To Provide You With Joy And Creature Comforts
28: Jackie Had Qualms About Butchering Four In A House Of Worship
29: The Ancient Arts of Voodoo, Juju, Mojo, And Lead Propulsed By Explosive Gas
30: Upon My Death, Twenty-Seven Virgins Awaited Me Beyond The Gate, Hooked Knives In Hand, Flayed Thoughts In Mind
31: Comrade, Foe, Water-Headed Buffoon: The Blitzkrieg Funeral Of Black Jim
32: What About The Powerful Lady In Black And Unrequited, Cross-Cultural Love Shooting Like Laser Rainbows From Her (Possibly) Impossibly Green Eyes?

33: Sometimes A Life Altering Journey Through Dark Wood And Shit-Colored Mud Could’ve Been An Easy Jaunt Down A Deserted Highway
34: Once Upon A Time, Trains Ended In Boxcars
35: When Did Diners Become Third-Rate Hoagie Chains At A Truck Stop?
36: He Goes By Many Names, Yet They All Have One Thing In Common: Pig-Fucking
37: The Life And Times Of A Dysplastic Nevus
38: The Flying Monkeys’ Redglare, Heads Bursting In Air, Gave Proof Through The Night That Our Flag Was Still There
39: Never Execute An Already Dead Man Even If It Will Alleviate Some Of Your More Compulsive Tendencies
40: Caught With Our Ding-Dongs Out Like A Couple Of Hostess Fruitcakes
41: The Not-So Unexpected Death Of Jackie, The Traitorous Fuck
42: You Did Not Miss The War, The War Missed You
43: Everybody Blames The Scorpion, Yet Nobody Asks Where The Frog Learned To Speak Scorpion In The First Place
44: The Mighty Beaks Of The Turkey-Cock Brigade
45: Genocidal Maniacs In Hiding Have The Warmest Of Welcomes
46: A Powwow Of Foreign Natives On the Myths Of Geometry
47: I May Have Killed Hundreds In Cold-Blood, But I Would Never Commit The Evils Of Children, Part II
48: It Would Have Been Better If The Terrorists Packed Their Vans Full Of Explosives And Blew Us All To Hell
49: Patsy’s Revenge
50: The Burdizzo Way

If you’re an agent, publisher, producer, or a regular schlub and interested in reading the filler, contact me directly at mrrapacz [at] hotmail [dot] com.